THE JOURNAL / FIND THE WORDS
How to write a "reasons I love you" list that feels personal
A reasons-I-love-you list is one of the simplest gifts to make from far away, and one of the easiest to make generic. How to write one that could only be about them.
A list of reasons you love someone has a lovely honesty to it. It doesn't pretend to be a poem or a speech. It just counts. And when you live far apart, it gives your partner something to reread on the nights when the distance makes them doubt, a little, that they are as loved as they are.
The danger is that these lists drift toward the same handful of lines: "your smile," "your laugh," "the way you make me feel." All true, probably. None of them are about your partner in particular. Here is how to write a list that is.
Decide on the shape first
The number matters less than people think, but it helps to choose before you start.
- A short list (10 to 20). Every item can be developed into a sentence or two. Good for a card or a letter.
- A long list (50 to 100). Mostly quick, one-line items, with a few longer ones mixed in. Good for a jar of folded notes, a little booklet, or a series of messages over several weeks.
- A matching number. One reason for each month you've been together, each day until the visit, or the age they are turning. The number then carries its own meaning.
Mine your memory, not your vocabulary
Before writing a single reason, spend fifteen minutes collecting raw material. Scroll back through your photos and your chat history. Make quick notes on:
- things they did that surprised you
- moments you felt proud of them
- habits that drive you mildly crazy and you'd miss terribly
- things they said that stuck with you
- small kindnesses they probably don't remember
- how they've handled the distance itself
You'll find that the best reasons are already there, buried in ordinary days.
Turn general into specific
The single biggest improvement you can make is to replace every general reason with the moment behind it.
- Instead of "you're kind," try: "You stopped to help a stranger carry a stroller down the subway stairs while we were already late, and didn't mention it after."
- Instead of "you're funny," try: "You named the pigeon outside your window and give me updates on his life."
- Instead of "you support me," try: "You stayed on the phone through my entire panic before the interview and then pretended you'd been bored, so I wouldn't feel bad."
- Instead of "you're beautiful," try: "The way you look when you've just woken up and haven't decided yet whether to be grumpy."
A useful test: if the reason could appear in someone else's list about someone else, make it more specific.
Include the distance itself
Long-distance relationships reveal things about a person that ordinary proximity doesn't. Some of the most meaningful reasons will come from that:
- "You always send a photo of your dinner, so I feel like I was there."
- "You never once made me feel guilty about the time difference."
- "You learned to sleep with your phone on the pillow."
- "You cried at the airport and then made me laugh before the security line."
- "You keep a countdown even when it's in the hundreds."
Vary the weight
A list of a hundred profound statements is exhausting. Mix them. Put something tiny and silly next to something big. "Reason 14: you put ketchup on eggs and defend it. Reason 15: you were there the week my grandmother died." That contrast is what makes the list feel like a real person, and a real relationship.
Ways to present it
- A jar of notes. Fold each reason into a slip of paper and mail the jar. They can open one a day.
- A small handmade booklet. One reason per page, with a few photos glued in.
- A drip of messages. Send one reason every morning for a month. It gives them something to wake up to.
- A letter with the list inside. A short introduction, then the list, then a line about what comes next.
- A small page with your photos and a few chosen reasons as memories, if you'd rather send a link they can keep on their phone.
A note on the last reason
People often save the final reason for something big. It can also be the simplest: "Because I just do." Or a reason about the future: "Because I want to find out what you'll be like at eighty." The end of the list is a good place to stop counting and say something plain.
And if you get stuck at twelve reasons when you meant to write fifty, that's fine. Twelve true, specific reasons will mean more than fifty borrowed ones. You can always add to it next year.
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