THE JOURNAL / THE DAYS BETWEEN
Long distance relationship myths, gently corrected
Everyone has an opinion about distance, and many of them are wrong. Nine common myths about long distance love, and what tends to be closer to the truth.
Tell people you are in a long-distance relationship and you will hear things. A cousin who "tried that once." A coworker who is sure it never lasts. A friend who means well but asks, with a pitying look, how you cope. Some of these ideas are harmless. Others can quietly shape how you feel about your own relationship, so they are worth looking at.
Here are some of the most common, with a gentler and more accurate version of each.
Myths about whether it can work
"Long-distance relationships never last"
Some do not, and some do, just like relationships that start in the same city. You will see confident claims about how often distance "fails," but outcomes depend so much on circumstances, such as how long the distance lasts, whether there is a plan and how committed both people are, that a single verdict says very little about yours. Plenty of couples who are now living together spent years apart first.
"If it were meant to be, it would be easy"
Almost nothing worth having is easy all the time, and distance adds real practical difficulty. Struggling with time zones or missing each other badly is not a sign that you are with the wrong person. It is a sign that you are doing something hard.
"You can't really know someone at a distance"
You know them differently. Distance can make it harder to see certain things, such as how someone handles everyday stress, chores, or a bad mood up close. But it can also lead to unusually deep conversation, because talking is most of what you have. Visits help fill in the rest, which is one reason they matter so much.
Myths about how it should look
"You have to talk every day"
Some couples love daily calls; others find them draining. What usually matters more is that the rhythm feels reliable and fair to both people. A couple that talks three times a week and feels secure is in better shape than one that talks daily out of anxiety or obligation.
"Good couples never get jealous"
Jealousy is a common human feeling, and distance gives it extra material: unfamiliar friends, parties you are not at, gaps in communication. Feeling it is not a failure. What matters is what you do with it: whether you can talk about it honestly and whether it is met with reassurance rather than control.
"Every visit should be perfect"
The pressure to make limited time flawless can make visits more stressful than they need to be. Real visits include tired afternoons, small disagreements and plans that do not work out. The goal is to be together, not to produce a highlight reel.
Myths about what it means
"Being apart means you are less committed"
Often it is the opposite. Choosing to stay together across distance tends to require more deliberate commitment, not less. You plan visits, adjust schedules, spend money and patience on something you cannot touch most days.
"It's only a real relationship once you live together"
A relationship is real when two people care for each other and choose each other. Shared rent is one way of doing that, but it is not the only one. Your letters, your late-night calls, your saved-up trips are not a rehearsal. They are the relationship.
"When the distance ends, all your problems disappear"
Closing the gap is wonderful, and it solves the problems that were caused by distance. It does not solve the others, and it brings new ones: sharing space, splitting chores, getting used to each other's habits. Couples who expect some adjustment usually find the transition smoother than couples who expect instant bliss.
Listening to your own experience
The common thread in all these myths is that they treat long-distance love as one thing with one outcome. It is not. It is many different relationships, with different reasons for the distance, different timelines and very different people.
So when someone offers you a confident opinion, it is fine to listen politely and then return to the best evidence you have: how your own relationship actually feels. Are you both showing up? Do you feel cared for? Is there something you are moving toward together? Those questions will tell you far more than any general rule.
And if you want a small answer for the next time someone asks how you possibly do it, you might simply say: "One day at a time, like everyone else." It happens to be true.
KEEP READING