THE JOURNAL / STAY CLOSE
Ideas for staying close to parents and grandparents far away
Living far from family can feel like a slow, quiet ache. Practical ways to stay connected with parents and grandparents, including those who are not comfortable with technology.
Distance from family has a different texture from distance in a relationship. There is usually no reunion date circled on a calendar, no plan to close the gap. You moved for work, for study, for love, and they stayed where they are. The calls become a routine, and sometimes the routine starts to feel thin. Here are ways to make it fuller, with particular attention to grandparents and older parents, who often want contact as much as you do but on different terms.
Start with what works for them
The best connection is the one that is easy for the other person. That might not be the one that is easiest for you.
- Ask how they like to be in touch. Some parents love video calls. Some find them tiring and would rather talk on the phone while they cook. Some grandparents prefer a letter they can hold and reread.
- Pick the right time of day. Many older people have more energy in the morning. A call at their breakfast may go better than one at your evening, when they're tired.
- Keep the setup simple. If they use a tablet or smartphone, set it up during a visit with one app, one icon on the home screen, and large text. Write the steps on paper and leave it next to the device.
- Have a backup. When the video fails, switch to a normal phone call without fuss. Struggling with a frozen screen can make someone feel it is their fault.
Make calls about more than updates
"How are you? Fine. And work? Fine." Family calls can get stuck in a polite loop. A few ways out:
- Ask about the past. Grandparents and parents often light up when asked about their own lives. Where did they meet? What was their first job? What was the neighborhood like? You may hear stories you've never heard.
- Cook together. Ask for a family recipe and make it with them on a video call. They get to teach, you get to learn, and the result tastes like home.
- Show them your world. Walk them around your apartment, show them the view, take the phone to the market. Many parents worry less when they can picture where you live.
- Do something side by side. Watch a football match together on the phone, do the crossword, listen to the same radio show.
Send things they can hold
For people who didn't grow up with screens, a physical object can mean much more than a message.
- Printed photos. Order a small batch every few months: your home, your friends, your partner, what you cooked. Many grandparents put them on the fridge or show them to neighbors.
- Letters and postcards. Short is fine. A postcard from a place you visited, a note about your week. Handwriting means something to older generations.
- A digital photo frame you can load from your phone, if they are comfortable with one being plugged in. Some can be updated remotely, so new photos simply appear.
- Something from where you live. A local food, a tea, a calendar of your city.
Involve the next generation
If you have children, the relationship between them and their grandparents can survive distance well with a little help.
- Let grandparents read a bedtime story over video. Mail them a copy of the same book so both sides turn the pages together.
- Have kids draw pictures and send them by post.
- Ask grandparents to record themselves telling a family story, and play it for the children.
- Keep regular short calls rather than occasional long ones. Small children rarely manage more than a few minutes.
Mark the days that matter
Family is often held together by occasions: birthdays, holidays, anniversaries, the day a grandparent died. Being absent on those days can hurt on both sides.
- Call early on birthdays, before the day fills up.
- On holidays, ask someone at the table to put you on speaker for a few minutes, or join by video during the meal.
- Remember the hard dates too. A message on the anniversary of a loss is often deeply appreciated, precisely because people stop mentioning it.
- For a parent's or grandparent's big birthday, gather short messages from cousins, friends and grandchildren into one letter or a small page they can open with photos and memories.
When they are getting older
As parents and grandparents age, distance can bring worry and guilt. It helps to be practical and gentle with yourself.
- Keep in touch with a sibling, relative or neighbor who lives near them, so you hear about changes early.
- Plan visits when you can, and treat them as time together rather than just a list of chores.
- If you are worried about their health or safety, talk with them, with family members nearby and, where appropriate, with their doctor or local support services.
- Accept that you cannot be everywhere. Regular, warm contact counts for a lot, even from far away.
Staying close to family across distance is rarely about grand gestures. It's the Sunday call that actually happens, the photo on the fridge, the recipe you finally learned. Small things, repeated, become the connection.
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