THE JOURNAL / LOOK FORWARD
A long-distance bucket list: things to do now and later
How to build a couple's bucket list that works while you are apart and when you are together, with example items and a simple way to keep it alive.
A bucket list for a long-distance couple has a slightly different job from the usual kind. It is not only a list of grand adventures. It is a way of saying, in writing, that there is a future you are both planning for, and a way of filling the present with things worth doing while you wait for it.
The trick is to split it in two from the start.
Two columns: from here, and together
Make one list of things you can do while apart and one list of things you will do in the same place. Without the first column, the list becomes a reminder of everything you cannot do yet. With it, the list is something you can tick off this week.
A shared note or document works fine. Some couples write it by hand during a visit and keep a photo of the page.
From here: ideas for the apart column
- Watch every film by one director, one per week, on a call.
- Read the same book and argue about the ending.
- Learn twenty words of each other's language, or of a language neither of you speaks.
- Cook a full three-course dinner at the same time and eat it together on video.
- Send each other a piece of real mail with no occasion.
- Take a walking tour of your own city over video, showing your partner the places that matter to you.
- Stay up for a sunrise together, even if it is sunset for one of you.
- Write a letter to open on a specific future date.
- Make a playlist for your first road trip, before you have planned the trip.
- Finish a jigsaw puzzle, a crossword or a long online game together.
Together: ideas for the same-place column
These can be big, but the small ones are often the ones you treasure:
- Do a completely ordinary weekday together: work, groceries, cook, fall asleep on the couch.
- Visit the place in your partner's city you have heard the most about.
- Take a trip somewhere neither of you has been.
- Go to the restaurant you have both been "saving" for a visit.
- Meet each other's closest friend.
- Take the photo you have talked about recreating.
- Spend a holiday together, the one you usually spend apart.
- Have a day with no plan at all.
A third, quieter list: for when the distance ends
If you are planning to close the distance, a short list of things you will do once you live in the same place can be steadying. Keep it honest and small: "have a shelf with both our books on it," "walk to get breakfast on a Saturday," "stop saying goodbye at airports." It is a list of ordinary things, which is exactly why it means something.
If you are not yet sure whether or when the distance will end, that is fine. You do not need to write this list until you are ready. A bucket list should not pressure either of you into a decision.
Keeping it from going stale
Most bucket lists are written in one enthusiastic evening and then forgotten. A few habits help:
- Pick one item a month. On the first call of each month, choose one thing from the apart column and put it on the calendar.
- Mark what you did, with a note. Do not just tick it. Add the date and one sentence about how it went. Months later, those notes are the best part.
- Keep adding. Whenever one of you says "we should do that someday," add it before the thought disappears.
- Allow deletions. If something no longer appeals, cross it out. A list should reflect who you are now.
- Bring it to every visit. Before you meet, look at the together column and choose one or two things. Leave room for the rest of the visit to be unplanned.
When the list feels painful
Some weeks, a list of things you cannot do yet feels like the opposite of comfort. That is normal. On those days, look only at the apart column, or put the list away for a while. It is a tool for hope, not a measure of how much you are missing.
And when you do get to cross off a big one, consider writing it down somewhere you will keep: a note, a letter, or a small page with a photo and the date, so the moment you waited for gets remembered properly.
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